another_diamond_in_the_rough on Xanga

Sunday, 13 June 2010

This Caged Bird Doesn't Know How To Sing
It's been awhile since I've updated. With the boyfriend being back I've been busy (Not like that... *shifty eyes*).

I've been feeling very trapped in myself. I'm not saying I'm not glad that my boyfriend is back for the summer, I couldn't be happier. It's just that it doesn't solve the other problems inside myself; the frustration of all my friends starting to drink and do drugs, the anger the festers in me when dad snaps at us while mom mutters curses that'd make a sailor blush, the loneliness of growing apart from friends while not making new ones as well as dealing with my depression/anxiety/potential ADHD disorders.

Most people would paint a picture, write a song or beat up a punching bag. I have the emotions to be a deeply passionate artist or writer but I don't have the skills. Give me paints, brushes and a blank canvas and all you will get out of me is a blank stare. I don't have the money to learn an instrument, and I could never teach myself anything. I was born to be brainwashed.

I need a muse, inspiration. Even coming up with an idea of what to write about after not updating for weeks was hard. I don't know. It's probably my meds messing up. Whatever.
Lemonade when it's hot outside
How my boyfriend is patient enough to listen to my ramblings, and crazy enough to enjoy them <3
Being able to sleep in and not worry about homework
How the dome of stars at my home is infinitely clearer than a planetarium and not affected by light pollution
Being able walk and run while others to sick to do anything like that
Enjoy the pictures Xangans! I tried to make it cool...
"The main aim of mankind should be to make man kinder"

"It's better to be weird than boring"
-Me

^Know the feeling.. :/

<3

Monday, 10 May 2010

"Carpe diem" is not a type of fish

So please don't ask me how
I ended up at my wits end
And breaking down
Pages torn from books we never read,
Cause we're plugged into this grid.
Don't pull this plug right now,
Or then we'd really have to live.

When I die, will they remember not
What I did, but what I haven't done?
It's not the end that I fear with each breath
It's life that scares me to death.

When we built these dreams on sand
How they all slipped through our hands
This might be our only chance
Let's take this one day at a time
I'll hold your hand if you hold mine
The time that we kill keeps us alive.

Your words won't save me now.
I'm at the edge feeling the sweat drip from my brow.
"Get a grip on yourself" is what they say,
Every hour, every day.
Hands over my ears,
I've been screaming all these years!

......

Hiding from the laughter in the closets of our lives,
But the door hinges are squeaking letting in thin shards of light.
And now a hand's extending outward,
Quiet comfort they invite,
Do we dare take what they offer?
Do we step into the light?

When I die, will they remember not
What I did, but what I haven't done?
It's not the end that I fear with each breath
It's life that scares me to death.

When we built these dreams on sand
How they all slipped through our hands
This might be our only chance
Let's take this one day at a time
I'll hold your hand if you hold mine
The time that we kill keeps us alive.

-Rumors Of My Demise Have Been Greatly Exaggerated
by Rise Against

Get the idea? LIVE YOUR LIFE! Too often people waste their lives living in their "comfort zones", doing the same thing everyday and never trying anything new. Take advantage of the opportunities that surround you. Go learn that instrument you've always wanted to play! Go volunteer somewhere just for the heck of it! Strike up a conversation with a stranger, they could become a good friend of yours.

What would you do if you knew you could not fail?

Food for thought.

"It's your life". Live with people who are alive. It tends to be contagious."
-Peter McWilliams

I've learned that making a "living" is not the same as making a "life"
-Maya Angelou

"Every man dies-not every man lives"
-William Ross Wallace

"To many people are thinking of security over opportunity.
They're more afraid of life than death"
-James F. Byrnes

"The world's a playground. You know that when you are a kid,
but somewhere along the way everyone forgets it."
-Allison 'Yes Man'

Thursday, 29 April 2010

Let's get rich and buy everybody nice sweaters and teach them how to dance...

Finals are coming up... I usually seem to take it as yet-another-time-when-teachers-decide-to-overload-kids-with-homework-and-exams. It usually take a bit to sink in that school is really ending in a matter of weeks. That means that it won't be too long until my boyfriend gets out of school and will be back for the summer. I am so excited and can hardly even begin to tell you. My "girlfriends" keep saying that the "honeymoon part" of our relationship will end in the summer. While I typically shrug off their attempts at advising me about relationships (because none of them have boyfriends), for some reason this gets me a bit nervous.

I don't really know what a "non-honeymoon" relationship is like. Will we not want to spend time anymore or have anything to talk about? I hope we never fight.... I try to think of people that I know that have been together for ages and it doesn't seem to help me all that much. My parents seem to be so bored and irritated by each other. They're always complaining about each other and mom has told me more than once that I should never get married. Then she'll do that thing where she'll pretend to laugh something off but really just want to strangle someone. Besides racist and sexiest jokes I can't stand marriage jokes. I can't stand the idea of a couple openly bashing the other when they claim to "love each other deep down". Showing someone you've loved for a long time that you still love them shouldn't be like reading a Lockhorns comic strip. I don't know....

I suppose that's what being with someone is all about. Facing the unknown together even though it might end what you have. And if it does I suppose it's for the better. You want someone who will stand by you through the thick and the thin, for better for worse, in sickness and in health.

Enjoy the pics Xangans. I didn't work too hard on this entry either...


"Unless you have tried something beyond
what you have mastered, you'll never grow"
-Ronald E. Osborn

          ^         ^
My bf bought me these two!


"There are two ways to live your life;
live as if you believe nothing is a miracle
or live as if you believe everything is a miracle."
-Albert Einstein

"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing"
-Helen Keller

This is an actual outdoor Shakespearean theater.
I love it so much. It's a really magical place

Thursday, 22 April 2010

Close your eyes little girl. You're a princess now you own this world.
This was a tough week for me ego-booster wise. I'm dropping my math class for one thing (I got my revenge by giving my teacher a bad rating on ratemyprofessor.com *maniacal laughter* revenge is sweet...) and I had a few days when I kept looking at "thinspo" blogs.

For those of you that don't know "Thinspo" comes from "Thinspiration" which is slang for inspiration to get thinner. In this particular form, the motivational booster is looking and skeleton thin girls until you are so depressed or determined that you'll go on a diet where, and I quote "Every calorie is a war". I've had problems with eating disorders in the past. I used starved myself and made myself throw up if I even ate. I couldn't stand my Tinker Bell figure (which looks great in Peter Pan but disproportionate in reality). I hated having big hips and a J. Lo worthy butt. I wanted to be that girl in the American Eagle ads or the swim suit model from Sports Illustrated. It took hospitalization and therapy before I learned to love myself.

I could've relapsed this week if I didn't think to myself about what would my family and friends think, how sad they'd be. Especially my boyfriend. He can't stand the thought of me being depressed. Remembering that I was loved even when I didn't love myself helped me realize how blind I was being. The deal to not starve was sealed when I imagined how I would look back if I did starve myself again versus if I didn't.

There should be a new golden rule. Treat yourself the way you want others to treat you.

Gratefuls!
I've started keeping a journal again. It's nice to have a place where you can say anything.
That I didn't starve myself or make myself throw up.
That overall I'm ok with the idea of dropping a class.
It's only a few weeks before finals (which will be so much easier with math out of the picture.)
Birthday cakes taste good ^_^ (It was my sis's b-day earlier this week)
Enjoy the pictures! :)

Love is love's reward

"It's time to start living the life you've imagined"
-Henry James

"In the end it's not the years of your life that count.
It's the life of your years."
-Abraham Lincoln

(Sorry that it's a shorter update. I've been busy this week.)

Thursday, 15 April 2010

Follow me, follow me, fa-la-la-la-la... <3
Wow I have been seriously lacking on the blogging front. My last one was from Easter?? Holy pocketwatch...
I haven't been up to much, just trying to muddle through some classes. I'm having a hard time thinking of anything inspirational to say, I'm too worried about my math class.
I'm totally bombing it but I didn't drop it when I could so essentially I'm trying to figure out a way to say that I just feel like skipping that class for the rest of the semester to my parents... It's not a credit course so it wouldn't effect my GPA and I can take it next semester. Not to mention that I'm 16 and almost have an Associates Degree. I think I'm entitled to bomb a class by choice. I'd rather fail by my own accord than try my darndest to ace a final for a class where I haven't absorbed anything. Why should I stress myself out over a class I'm certainly going to fail? I have enough to worry about and it's not healthy for someone like me anyways. I just sucks that I have to pass a class that has the highest failure rate at this college and even though my parents failed the same class in high school and got buy... Grumblyplank.
Ok I'm going to stop complaining. Things always work out.
*sing song voice* Gratefuls!
1. My boyfriend will be back for the summer in a little over a month. <3
2. Feeling grass between my toes
3. I've been more outgoing in meeting people.
4. That I've been working out more which feels great ^_^
5. For the first time in a year I'm overweight (it's far healthier/looks better if you're a little overweight versus being underweight)
Enjoy the pics! ^_^

"Imagination is more important than knowledge." -Albert Einstein

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams." -Eleanor Roosevelt

"We do not need magic to change the world, we carry all we need inside ourselves already; we have the power to imagine better." -J.K. Rowling

"There is only one way to happiness, that is to cease worrying about the things that are beyond the power of our will." -Epictetus